Put-Downs: The Whole Story
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Surveys of thousands of fighting couples show that bad words can escalate
into physical violence. The probability is there. But even if that doesn't
happen, at the very least-and this isn't small potatoes-the couple (or the
child) becomes alienated.
How to respond
If someone puts you down, first you have to recognize it for what it is. Once
you do, here are four possible types of responses.
Name it. Giving the down-putter the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't
realize that it was a put-down. Maybe he just thought it was a joke or
constructive criticism. Maybe he just thought "Well, that's what I do to
vent anger" without meaning to put down. The solution here just might be to
tell it like it is and say, "That was a put down."
Throw the ball back to her court. By asking, "Did you really want to say
it that way because it was a put down," a reflective person might think
about it and realize that she didn't intend that and make some correction or
apology right on the spot.
Say it hurt. This suggestion comes with a warning: Only do it with a person
of good will. If the person who said it is so angry that she just wants to
inflict wounds, saying it hurt can, unfortunately, lead to more abuse. For all
others, saying the put-down hurt can, indeed, put a stop to it.
Challenge. When the sender of the message honestly cannot see that the
message is highly critical and not constructive at all, challenging the
statement on a purely logical basis can be a wonderful experience in
empowerment. For example, Sue hurts her daughter, Rochelle's feelings. Rochelle
tells her it is a put-down and it hurts. Sue replies with, "You're too
sensitive." That itself is a put-down because (a) the word "too"
is judgmental and (b) it devalues the characteristic of "sensitivity."
Rochelle can challenge this with: "How do you know I'm too sensitive? Maybe
you're too insensitive."
Put-downs are not jokes and they're not constructive. They are virulent
soul-destroyers which can lead to total alienation from those you care about
most. Sometimes naming it, saying it hurt, throwing the ball back into the
sender's court or direct challenge can put a stop to it.
Dr. Debby Hirschhorn, Ph.D. http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com
(#2 on Google Matching Sites for 2 years for keywords "marriage
counseling") Get newsletter--free. Just send a blank email to my Opt-In
list (no spam): abuse-recovery@aweber.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
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